30^th April – Hello Hobart

We have a very relaxed start to the day, slowly packing up the car and having breakfast. We plan to have a wee look around some of the tourist spots of Port Arthur before driving to Hobart.

Devils Kitchen is a deep gouge in the rocks that has been carved out by the waves of the Tasman Sea. According to the sign this gaping great hole started as a cave which has gradually been eroded away into a narrow, tall gap with steep cliffs. It’s enough to make your toes tingle when you look down. Nonsurvivable – a common term we use when we are out hiking and looking a long way down to a very sudden stop.

We then head to the Tasman Arch and Blow Hole, which are worth visiting. Tasman Arch is amazing. Eventually it will become a massive chasm like Devi’s Kitchen, but not in my lifetime.

Then it was time to head to Hobart. We have plans with Krys and David, it is time to start the birthday week celebrations 😊 Whoop, Whoop!

We arrive mid-morning, too early to check in but just in time to catch the Salamanca Markets. Claimed to be the largest outdoor market in Australia, that seems like a bit of an exaggeration! I think the Eumundi markets are bigger… but there IS a fantastic selection of local produce (no wine at the market though, I feel that is a missed opportunity) we bought some local honey and almonds flavoured with indigenous herbs and spices.

Most importantly they have SCALLOP PIES! The latest batch are still warming in the oven, so we do a quick circuit before heading back.

Of course, there is a queue, so we stand and wait. The wind is bitterly cold, this is the first time I have thought to myself, track pants would be nice about now. We did not have much wind in the mountains but down here by the harbour it is very reminiscent of Wellington on a shit day – still not wearing long pants, nope.

We wait in line, no one wants any of the other pies, we are all queueing for the, and I quote, award winning scallop pies. Jason is visibly excited; we eventually get to the front of the queue, and they are sold out. BAHAHAHA, just kidding, wouldn’t that be funny though!

Jason gets his hands on the scallop pie, and apparently it is amazing. It must be pretty good because he devours it in less than 5 minutes. Happy, happy man 😊 he then spots the second most exciting thing that day, an Irish pub that serves Guinness. We pull up a seat, settle in for a drink or two, and Krys and David arrive. YAY.

We nut out what the plan is for the rest of the day; a walk around the markets, and head out to Frogmore winery for lunch. It is a 15-minute drive and, like everything in Tasmania, super easy to get to. Unfortunately, the restaurant is full but there is a table in the bar area, there is wine tasting, there is beer, and the cheese platter is to die for. WHAT MORE can you ask for!  Thank you David for playing chauffer whilst Krys, Jason, and I hit the booze.

Frogmore Creek Winery is beautiful. The outlook has stunning views of the vineyard itself and the mountains in the distance. It also has a very handy place to park your helicopter – literally 20 meters from the tasting room. So, you know, they have covered all the essentials. And yes, there was a group of people there in a helicopter.

A couple of drinks are consumed (surprise right), cheese platter demolished, time to go back to Hobart so Jason and I can check in.

Our accommodation is very nice, and located on Elizabeth Street and has views of the River Derwent and Sullivan’s Cove. The original 1930s pier building has been converted into serviced apartments. We are very handy to town, including lovely restaurants and pubs. The apartment has everything you need all in one space, we unpack, unwind, dress up, wind up, and out again.

We are meeting for predinner cocktails at 530pm and are booked for dinner at 830pm. Well after Jason’s bedtime – he looks horrified. Thankfully we had a late lunch – so at least he won’t get too hangry. I am sure it will be worth it.

Cocktails are at the Evolve Spirits Bar (Visit Evolve Spirits Bar on Hobart’s Historic Waterfront) in the same complex where Krys and David are staying, only a 5-minute walk from our accommodation. This place is FUCKING FANCY (I am pretty sure I read that in their advertising material)! It has elegant mood lighting i.e. old people like us cannot read the menu because it is so dark but they have extremely bright lights inside the tables so you get blinded at the same time – interesting concept. The hotel and bar are filled with local artifacts (no, not us), all manner of interesting stuff, fancy spirits, and cocktails. Let the fun begin.

Our table angel is a delight, very attentive and friendly, thank god for her because the rest of the staff don’t really seem to give a shit.

We manage to force down several rounds of cocktails and wines, and before we know it its nearly 830pm and we will be late for dinner. You know you are in good company when time zips by so quickly. With a small skinful of lovely drinks we make our way to Mures seafood restaurant (Waterfront Dining and Fish Restaurants Tasmania (mures.com.au), this place is AMAZING, it was established in 1973 (a fabulous year for establishing fabulous things I might add) and is still going strong.

Everyone else starts with a dozen oysters of varying persuasions, not a great idea for me, an allergic reaction to shellfish can really ruin an evening. There is wine, beer, entrees, and amazing mains. By the time we polish off our main course, we are nudging 1030pm, but we are not done yet. We need dessert and an aperitif to finish off the evening – it would be rude not to. The food is amazing, we leave full and very happy, but desperately indeed of bed.

We part ways and pass out. HELLO HOBART and Thank you Krys and David for a lovely evening.

1^st May – Hobart Day 2

I manage to drag myself out of bed and go for a walk around Hobart, the best way to see a city is throw your walking shoes on and get lost. Hobart does not disappoint, there are so many pretty buildings around here and enough hilly roads to burn off some wine.

Apparently, we can thank the fact that they have so many historical buildings left in Tasmania can be attributed to the fact that they were often broke. I guess an island full of convicts would not be a great source of tax revenue. This meant they could not afford to replace all the original buildings which would happen in other cities. It was so often a sign of progress to tear down the old and replace with the new. In Tasmania that simply was not an option, so they lasted longer. Then, when the destruction did start, there were enough smart people to stop it!

So you have buildings all over the city dating back to the early and mid-1800s.

Today we are heading to MONA! It took us a wee while but found that it stands for Museum of Old and New Art (MONA). We have been warned, this is not like any other museum you have been to. I wonder if that includes the penis museum in Amsterdam – a thought I keep to myself.

Not sure how to explain it so I went to their website and a few descriptions are:

• Sea World, with cocktails, and a few works of quite-good-but-not-amazing Australian modernism;
• A place to tie the knot, and push up the daisies;
• Purveyor of hot chippies (among other culinary delights);
• Somewhere people can come to say ‘not sure about the art but the architecture is amazing’;

I wholeheartedly agree with the last one 😊

The best way to get to MONA is jump on the MONA ferry which is owned and operated by the Museum. Krys has taken care of all arrangements, seems somewhat unfair on her birthday week, but she knows what she is doing and books us into the “posh pit” on the ferry. I like the posh pit, at 830am they ply you with food and alcohol on the 20-minute journey to MONA. Nice wine for breakfast, this is my kind of ferry.

We arrive fed and watered now it is time to explore. And wow. It is captivating and, at times, stunning, but holy shit it is fucking weird. Starting with the full scale wrought iron truck and trailer, to the wall of vaginas (called the wall of c*nts) – I did ask Jason, but he did not see any he recognised, onto the tiny cottage with a massive clump of hair in the middle of the floor – that made me feel quite unwell, was it a hairball, or were people scalped?

There is a women’s only room, which was lovely and pretty, velvet and deep forest green. I was disappointed to find it was still under the control of the patriarchy! I stroked some velvet, forest green gloves that were on the display (there was no sign that said I couldn’t – not that I looked) and this bloke steps out of nowhere and told me “don’t touch”. Well, um, excuse me mate, do you have one of those things hanging on the c*nt wall? No? Then get the fuck out of the women’s room. Ok, maybe I should not touch, but it’s like feeding the birds, tell me not to, and it’s going to happen.

The sump oil art work (yup, just a massive amount of sump oil, thousands of litres) DON’T TOUCH THE OIL. There is a man standing at the doorway telling you not to touch, take your bag off and, whatever you do, don’t drop your phone in the oil, no one is going in after it. Not art, maybe, but entertaining all the same – it gave us something to laugh about, and we spent the whole afternoon reminding each other “don’t touch the oil”.

A Ferrari that needs a diet. One room that is dedicated to some seriously sick R18 rated works including a kangaroo. See photo below. This room came with an R18 warning but I don’t think it was very well placed as a lot of parents in there looked VERY uncomfortable – which amused me no end. There is a massive, replicated digestive system that poos once a day – so pleased we were not there at 200pm, apparently the smell is terrible.

It may not have been my kind of art, but we had a really good time walking all through the museum and around the grounds, laughing and discussing what we saw or thought we saw. There is an onsite vineyard, now that is my kind of museum. And this vineyard feels much the same way about humans as I do “ Please help Moorilla stay disease-free by keeping your dirty human bodies out of our vineyard. You humans really are filthy. Do it for the grapes”. And we did. We kept our filthy selves away from those precious little bubbles of happiness.

Now we are waiting for the main event… lunch. Lunch with entertainment! Krys did not quite know what she had gotten us into here. El Culto de Espana!

To get to the restaurant we had to confirm our identities three times, like some sort of secret society, before we entered through this beautifully lit door into the massive, cavernous restaurant with a giant white ball in the middle. Tried as we might, we could not figure out how they got it in there.

The food was a lot like a science experiment. But a beautiful science experiment. None of us could figure out what it was, but we all ate it, and it was delicious! The wine helped, every course was paired with a wine. Obviously Krys, David, and I all took turns picking up the slack for Jason, drinking his wine whilst he had beer.

As I mentioned there was entertainment! And the entertainment was a flamenco band.

This was interesting, the theatre, the songs, the singing, and the women! My god they are HOT, would I cross the floor for them, maybe! Seriously though they knew how to put on an amazing performance, granted we did spend a lot of time with eyes wide and mouths agape. They could knock you down with a glare!

Really good fun, and let’s be honest, the wine was still helping!

We also ended up being part of the art, high in the ceiling of the restaurant are viewing windows where museum patrons can look down on the diners, we must be in so many photos. Of course, we were on our best behaviour… I know, even my best behaviour is not that great. But I can confirm there was no nudity or obscenity – that I can recall.

We finish up lunch and head out to the ferry where David wields his power of organisation and manages to get about 100 people to form an orderly line – without actually saying it. Good work David.

Back in the posh pit we have a few drinks on our return trip. Clearly we had not had enough to drink over lunch. In Hobart we part ways, I think Krys and David need a rest from us (probably me). Don’t touch the oil!

Jason and I have a mission though, tomorrow we are going on a boat cruise and its going to be cold. The man needs gloves. We are in Hobart – surely there are gloves!

Well, you would think so. In fact there are gloves, but those gloves are in stores, and those stores are  closed. Kathmandu, Myer, Kmart, we are doing a fair amount of walking, which is good because of the amount of food and booze we have ingested, and as we were about to give up the hunt we stumble across a souvenir shop! There are gloves! Nailed it.

There is also a giant, wombat soft toy, but Jason won’t let me take it home ☹ sometimes he is so mean.

We get fish and chips from Mures to take back to our apartment planning on an early night.

Another fabulous day!

Thanks Hobart for not raining 😊 and thanks Krys and David for another fun day.