Revelstoke 18th September 2024
As you know we had left Kelowna, a beautiful town with issues. Well, I guess, aren’t they all? I mean, I would NEVER recommend anyone to go and visit my hometown (sorry Upper Hutt, but you know it).
At least Kelowna is beautiful! It is just not a place where I felt safe.
Captain Dan told us that, yes, Kelowna is beautiful, but it is nothing compared to what we were going to see as we continued our journey East into the Rocky Mountains the easternmost portion of the expansive North American Cordillera, which is the eastern part of the Pacific Ring of Fire (yeah baby, we are connected by fire, and fucking earthquakes).
I thought he was making shit up to sound cool, but man, Captain Dan knew what he was talking about. We were just about drive through the Rockies – HMFSB (Holy Mother Fucking Shit Balls)!
At one point we saw a bunch of people pulled over on the side of the road at something called The Spiral Tunnels, we had no idea what this actually was, but decided to pull over and have a look. Last time we did one of these impromptu “lets go and have a look” we walked 5km to a desolate beach in Iceland, to see a crashed plane (where NO ONE DIED), and there really wasn’t anything of any interest, so we had to turn around and walk back again, whilst sand and misery was blowing around us – JOY.
So, it could have gone badly.
Instead, we got to see the Rocky Mountaineer traversing the Spiral Tunnels. For those of you from good ol’ NZ we have the Raurimu Spiral. The Raurimu Spiral is a single-track spiral, overcoming a 139-metre (456 ft) height difference, in the central North Island between Wellington and Auckland.
The Spiral Tunnel is part of the Rocky Mountaineer train journey, specifically on the “First Passage to the West” route between Vancouver and Banff. These tunnels are designed to help trains navigate the steep grades of the Kicking Horse Pass in British Columbia, just to put our little NZ “climb” to shame, The Spiral Tunnels help the train climb approximately 560 feet (170 meters) in elevation. Wowser!
We saw the train zig zag between tunnels on its way up the pass, it was pretty impressive to watch and way better than a decaying plane in the middle of fucking nowhere.
After this we jump back into our trusty steed and keep heading to Revelstoke, we are pretty close now.
We arrive in the beautiful town of Revelstoke at around midday. Park up at our hotel, The Regent (The Regent Hotel | Revelstoke Hotels in British Columbia), and we are informed we can check in at around 315pm. Um, seriously, you are that busy? I doubt it but we smile nicely and decide to go and explore the town and find the visitors centre.
Walking around the town is lovely and for the first time since landing in Canada we are not inundated with the constant smell of giggle smoke. In fact, we did not see any of the issues we ran into in Vancouver and Kelowna. I guess this place is just too small. Or, just small enough.
Revelstoke, founded in the 1880s during the construction of the Canadian Pacific Railway, has around 8,000 residents. The downtown has beautifully preserved Victorian architecture, which is starkly contrasted with the cowboy boots and VERY large trucks favoured by the locals. It is a mecca for outdoor enthusiasts, with activities like hiking, mountain biking, and kayaking in the summer, and world-class skiing in the winter, we figured, we should give it a go.
Oh look, another gondola! We drive to the gondola which, due to road works, was not as easy as you would think, but we made it eventually. Tickets are purchased, map is folded and secured, off we go.
As we enter the gondola, so does a fucking wasp. You have GOT to be kidding me! At first, we tried to shoo it out before the doors closed, but this MF really wanted to stay and catch a free ride. DUDE, you have wings! Anyway, once the doors closed the game changed. It was no longer, lets help you leave the gondola unharmed, instead, it was survival of the fittest.
The next 5 minutes was, what must have been hilarious to watch for anyone in any other gondola cabin, swatting, swishing, squishing and dodging. For one bloody wasp. However, my protector prevailed, the wasp was dispatched, and then disposed. We escaped unhurt (by we, I obviously do not mean the wasp, that sucker was flat as a flat thing).
The rest of the gondola ride was uneventful but beautiful. You climb up to 5,500 feet, you’ll see the Columbia River winding through the valley below, with the Monashee and Selkirk mountains on either side.
Once you reach the top, there are viewing decks of the glaciated plateaus and rugged peaks, with wildflower meadows and lush forests. There are a few walks you can do up here, but mainly it is mountain bikers trying to kill themselves on the way down the mountain.
There is also something called “The Pipe Mountain Coaster” quite different from the meth pipe we were seeing in Vancouver and Kelowna. I thought it looked so much fun, but it was a NO from Jason.
We did a short walk and for a brief, VERY brief moment, considered walking down from the top. Until we realised that would be suicide. Instead, after eating our packed lunch (how sensible are we) we jumped on the gondola down to the next stop and walked from there.
It is a beautiful sunny day, so incredibly quiet, and the walk only crosses the mountain bike trail once. They have actually done really well to ensure these things remain as compartmentalised as possible i.e. Jo does not get taken out by a mountain biker. So we enjoyed our stroll to the bottom, by the time we were done, around 1.5 hours later, it was time to check in. Finally.
The Regent Hotel is touted as Revelstoke’s most elegant hotel. It is a family owned and run, historical landmark having been around since 1914. Which probably explains some of the amenities. The room is small and there is no fridge. But you can get a bucket of ice from the ice machine. Well, actually you can’t, because the ice machine is unplugged and not working. But you can walk to the front desk, and they will give you ice. Not quite, they will direct you through to the bar where they will DEFINITELY give you ice. Then you can chill your drinks or try and keep any fridge bound snacks cold.
You have to laugh.
The air conditioner is one of the old box ones that you usually see hanging out a window. I have heard that these things are horrendously noisy, luckily we didn’t have that problem, because the air conditioner did not work.
We have everything settled in our room, but the day is young, and the weather is nice so time for another walk, this time we are going around the greenbelt walk. It takes you around the beautiful Columbia River, the colour and vastness of this river is breathtaking, and if you watch the flow you realise there is a LOT of power under that pristine water, best we don’t fall in. You would likely drown if hyperthermia does not get you first.
The walk is lovely though and we stop to take lots of photos, OK I STOP to talk lots of photos and Jason puts up with it as best he can. Today he is in good spirits so he even smiles.
The walk winds past the river and a beautiful logging plant. Not quite the natural wonder you are hoping for.
We cross a bridge and head into a more wooded part of the area where we promptly get lost. Google maps is NOT helpful, as this is a flood plain area it simply shows that we are walking on water. Yes, yes, I can walk on water. Just to be clear.
As we stood around viewing the maps and trying to figure out where to go from here, we realise we are a mosquito smorgasbord, and these pterodactyls have not eaten in a long time. Phone off, we will wing it, time to move and get away from these bloody thirsty fuckers.
HUH! Nice thought, not only were they huge and hungry. They were not going to leave us alone, literally chasing us through the forest taking bites as we went. Jason and I checking each other for any possible mosquito shaped leeches, and there were plenty. Even though our legs were exhausted we really upped the speed for the next 1.5km flicking our arms and legs as we went to try and ward off our attackers. It must have looked hilarious to anyone passing by, but we didn’t see any other idiots walking this way, well, because no one else was this dumb! Yeah, you’re not surprised and neither am I.
Finally, we pop out at another bridge and, much like the characters of Jumanji, we could hear the wildlife yelling at us as we escaped their grasp and made it back to civilisation. It was another 2km until we made it to the hotel. We were so tired, thirsty, and traumatised there was only one thing to do… head to the pub and have a couple of hydrating beverages. In my case that was a couple of mojitos and a couple of beers for Jason.
Probably not the smartest thing as that set the tone for the rest of the evening!
We refreshed our appearance, which was more than fucking necessary, opted for tacos for dinner.
The Taco Club was our venue of choice, the menu looked good, and we were hoping to have at least some salad in our lives. Isn’t if funny when you are travelling you over indulge in food and drinks you don’t have at home, but after a while you just want a fucking piece of broccoli, not fried, not seared, not with any sort of fancy sauce or seasoning, just steamed, somewhat crispy (yeah al dente or whateverthefuck) broccoli – like that will redeem your liver and put you on the path to righteousness.
Squirrel! Digression strikes again!
As mentioned, we turned up at the Taco Club (The Taco Club Revelstoke) which could also be called the Australian Club. Just about every person who worked there was from Australia. Our server was a lovely young woman from Ferney Hills, a 20-minute drive from us in Brisbane. She had been there for several months and was kind enough to write down some things we should definitely do whilst we are here.
With the number of mojitos and margaritas from dinner on board, we head back to our hotel room, after a 2km detour to send postcards. SIGH. The sleep of the dead, or boozed – same same, takes over.
Revelstoke you were great fun and despite staying in a time capsule we really enjoyed ourselves. Captain Dan was not wrong; this place just gets more and more beautiful. Tomorrow, we go to Lake Louise, and I CANNOT be more excited.
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